The Crooked Body

The stroke recovery is slow, but that just gives you more time to be thankful for what you have and that is in my case my husband is still alive.

A stroke is so very painful for everyone and I know there are other illnesses, diseases and such that do the same but this is the one that effected me and my family.  My marriage, my best friend, my lover, my husband, the father of my children.

The stroke brain changes the person or at least changed my husband he was quiet, funny, pragmatic, wise and the best sounding board around.  He still has a great sense of humor but he really can’t make critical decisions I still bounce things off him and  make him part of the decision making but it is fake just to try to keep him believing he is a part of things.  I grieve and miss my husband I cannot have a normal conversation and the relationship is a new normal and it is wife/caregiver or the caregiver part comes first.

Now I hope people who read this don’t look at it like I feel sorry for myself or I am complaining,  because God assured me when doctors said he would die that he would live and I can never forget that or dismiss it.

Things are different and I miss my husband and sometimes I feel like there is a little boy in his body.  I brilliantly thought of sending him to a gym and he came back depressed because the deficit on his right side jumped up and slapped him in the face. He was upset and wanted to quit, those words never crossed the lips of Scott before the stroke. There were tears that broke my heart.

This man in this crooked body and broken (temporarily) brain survived multiple tours in Vietnam, he suffered heart ache and broken marriages.  He survived job loss, being poor, hungry and now tears flowed like a  child with a skinned knee.  Asking me do I think he will be a man again.

28  + years ago when I naively said those vows which included in sickness and in health I had no idea what that meant.  I did not know that sickness meant my suffering, I did not know I would be praying for my husband to return to me.  I did not know that I would wonder if I had the strength to help him put his socks on one more time.

But God thank goodness is so much bigger than our frail humanity, and I have a constant reminder of God because I am able to get up and shave my husbands face, make sure he is comfortable and his socks are on.  I also tell him I love him and he is great and I remind him how close to death he came but God had other plans and has other plans for him.