I often wonder….

I sometimes wonder why I am writing this blog. I know there are family members and friends who read it to catch up on this journey. I don’t know everyone who is reading it. I sometimes wonder why am I doing this what is the real point of writing the blog. I have dreamed of being a writer and publishing a book but have never really acted on it. I found myself often overwhelmed with all the information that comes when someone has a stroke with lasting medical and physical damage.

I honestly started writing to get the information out of my head and to those who cared about Scotty. Then I wrote to clear my head of the thoughts and things that happened. Now I am not sure.

I am feeling sad and upset today. It is because of the stroke and the fact that my husband really cannot drive yet. It would not be safe or responsible to allow it. He brings it up from time to time and it happened today. He accused me of purposely keeping him from driving. He believes he can drive. This is the stroke brain. His right lower quadrant of vision is effected which impacts peripheral vision. His reflexes are slow and clumsy. He cannot remember walking across the street and getting our neighbors mail as they are out of town. He lastly cannot communicate clearly but thinks he is perfectly capable of driving.

Why am I sad and upset because he doesn’t understand how much it bothers me that he thinks I am doing something deliberate that hurts him or makes him feel less than the wonderful strong man he is. I long for the days of 2 drivers and 2 cars and the freedom for all of us that comes with it. It would mean he was doing all the things he should be able to do during his years of retirement. It would mean so many things are back to normal and right.

The truth is I believe in his complete healing, I have take great joy in the growth in his speech and so many clear sentences and thoughts are coming. What a wonderful sign!

I cannot deny the thought he may never drive again. I hang on to the many other wonderful things. Healthy heart, kidneys back to normal and off the chronic disease status. The joy he has and a child the anticipation when we go to the gym. The wonder of the things he does remember like when the trash is picked up and what day of the week we are in.

Lastly him knowing he hurt my feelings and saying to me , “I hurt you and I am sorry.” But the deep feeling he has of not being a good man , husband, friend or father because he sometimes thinks of himself as not whole. All because of an engine, 4 wheels and a tank of gas.

It really isn’t true. I try to tell him but he often just pats me on the shoulder and smiles. Truth his son Ubers him to get his hair cut. They use care ride to go to the mall or the gym. I take him to all doctor appointments and have to do all the explaining to the doctors and nurses. When I need something quick from the store it has to wait until I get done working, every errand is done by me. This is not lost on him, instead it impacts him.

This is the worst of the stroke. It is the worst of it all. If he thinks less of himself. I cannot stop it from happening and I don’t know how to fix it. So we must walk in faith and belief that in God’s will we stay.