Tonight I cannot sleep and it is because tonight I am mad at the thing called stroke brain. Stroke brain takes a persons sharp edges and dulls them. Stroke brain makes you think a garbage bag is a zip lock bag. Stroke brain makes it so you cannot say your son’s name, but he answers anyway. You lose the ability to fold clothes with military precision and edges.
Stroke brain hides you from your self. It also hides you from those that love you and are trying to be patient for your full return.
I am mad that I let myself think he may never be what he was before and that means I lost my faith in the God that saved his life. Not permanently but momentarily. It was enough.
Stroke brain makes my husband randomly ask me if I love him and then ask why? Stating I am not Scotty anymore. He looks like Scotty and his sense of humor is Scotty’s, his face is Scotty, his body has become Scotty once again, actual a new an improved one. I don’t think the sadness or the tears are Scotty they are stroke brain but they hurt all the same.
When I got into bed I was not angry but has I laid my hand on my husband’s chest for the millionth time to make sure he was breathing I became angry. I was mad that I was glad he was alive and sad knowing several dear people no longer have their Scotty’s and they have had to learn to go on without them.
I know I cannot stay mad because God has given me so much. If I don’t sleep I also won’t be able to work tomorrow and take care of my family. If I don’t sleep I may watch something terrible on Netflix and never be able to forget it!
I won’t end on this note, I will say with stroke brain you have to celebrate life as it is, with God you have to celebrate each day as it is renewed and renewable. I have to continue because there is no other path to take. Scotty continues also because one thing the stroke did not rob him of was his spirit. He takes pride in sweeping, mopping, laundry and say an entire sentence clearly and he should. He has the hardest job there is and that is to never quit. The stroke cannot win!
4 thoughts on “I am feeling Mad”
This is the first time that I have read your blog, Diane, and it is beautiful. Having taken care of so many stroke patients during my nursing days, I can appreciate your anger at “losing” the Scotty that you knew. The anger and frustration that the stroke victim feels has got to be almost unbearable. I’ve watched families be torn apart by this awful condition but also many others, such as yours, that have become stronger and closer than ever before. I admire you for your faith and willingness to continue on with Scotty and know that Jake is such a big help and source of strength for you, despite his own disabilities. It is always so good to see Scotty at Special O meetings and events and am glad that you make sure he gets out and about as this is the best way for him to regain his skills and memory. If I can ever be of any help, don’t hesitate to call on me. Porter
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I love you, Diane! I love the whole Sare family and whisper your name in prayer when I “see” you on Facebook. Our Father will always be true to Himself and give you what you need.
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Hang in there, dear friend! Coming from someone who’s “been there, done that”; all I can say is holding dear to your faith is critical and shortly, you’ll look back at this nightmare with nothing but joy and thankfulness! Promise!!!
No worries Glenn thank you for reading and commenting! Where’s my salad!